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stolen soul

My heart is jaded
Completely desolate inside
No longer feel alive

Depleted by negativity
Drained of all emotion
Impalpable to society
Always feeling like there is no place here for me

Now an isolated figure
so far away
Time has broken me
And plagued my memory

Detached from myself
Walking empty and alone
Soulless victim
Angel of misery



gugurnya tugu ilusi

Terhimpit pilu di dada,
Mengalir deras air mata,
Kala sepi terus melanda,
Sayu, pilu ku terasa...

Sewaktu dingin malam berlalu,
Bintang menjadi tempat mengadu,
Persoalan membelengu diri,
Duka menghiris hati ini.

Apakah memang ku bersalah?
Untuk memendam rasa cinta?
Adakah benar cinta yang ku alami?
Atau hanya sekadar ilusi?

Pabila ku hampir terlena,
Pelukan bayangmu yang ku rasa,
Alunan suaramu membisik sayu di telinga,
Lakaran wajahmu menghiasi mimpi indah...

Akan ku musnahkan tugu harapan,
Akan ku anggap kau sebagai teman,
Sekiranya kita berdua,
Tidak ditakdirkan bersama...



unanswered?

What has my lyfe morphed into?
I've been hurt,
Wounded ever so deeply.
But does anyone care?
You, you, or even you?
No, everybody's juz busy wit their lyfes.
Carin' for their own happiness,
Oblivious to the surrounding.
The fake, "I care for u!" phrase,
I'm tired of it all.
Just let me weep & cry in silence.
Let my heart bleed.
Coz it doesn't matter to u,
No it doesn't.
U dun even wonder y.
Do u?

Shattered,
Broken,
Hurt,
Tired,
Wounded,
Bruised,
Unanswered?

Wearin' a fake smile,
I enclosed the sadness in me..
I create lame jokes,
To liven up the joyness within me.
But does it really lasts long?
Am I that strong?
To hide how hurt I am?
Am I?

Leave me alone.
For all that matters now,
Im gonna be like u-
Ignorant to everytin'
It's no use to pretend that u care,
I'm dead.
Every hour & minute,
Is my death...



hanya untuk mu...

Tatkala bintang menemani bumi,
Memori dahulu ku kupas kembali.
Rindu pun bertandang,
Kemasyghulan menyelimuti hati...

Berbaring pada ambin kebingungan,
Aku menyelak tabir kenangan,
Mencari penamat beribu soalan...
"Mengapa? Mengapa? Aku gugup.

Seringkali bayangan mu diingati,
Kesyahduan menenggelami jiwa.
Aku dambakan belaian mu,
Tangan yang mengusap lembut dahiku...

Namun, semuanya telah ditelan waktu.
13 tahun sudah pun berlalu.
Kau telah lama pergi dan tidak mungkin kan kembali.
Aku mengerti, kau yang lebih disayangi...

Ayah, mungkinkah dikau sedang sentiasa
mendoakan puterimu ini?
Melihatku mengorak langkah ke alam dewasa...
Dari jendela istana abadimu disana?

Hanya dapat ku titip doa,
Diiringi jernih air mataku...
Semoga Tuhan menempatkanmu di tempat
orang-orang yang beriman.
Semoga jua Tuhan mencucuri rahmat keatas rohmu...
Amin.

prinsessa

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NNaive
UUnderstanding
RReliable
SShy
YYoung
AAdorable
HHypersensitive
IIrresistible
DDreamer
AArtistic

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Friday, March 18, 2005

I tot I'm gonna be happy,
But now I noe,
Everytin' is juz an illusion...

I hate my lyfe. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I got back my bio results. I scored 'B'.
'Alhamdulillah'... I pass.
I'm astonished.
I tot I cud have done better. Sigh...
No, I can't be over confident next tyme.
And aniwae, I'm a total useless creature wen it cumes to science.
Shit lah!!!!!!!!!!! Watever!!!!!!!!!!!!
It has passed. I juz need to buck up...
Pathetic.

Next astonishin' tin was, Esprit called me up!
TODAY!
The next tin' I knew was tat, I was grinnin'.
I'm so happy. Notin' describes it more.
However, later I received a call...


Esprit in-charge(EIN): Syahida? I'm from Esprit Raffles...

Me: Yeah huh...

EIN: So I wanna double confirm ur timetable.
Juz now u msged me sayin' u can only werk on 1 week day.
We need sumbdy who can werk on 2 weekdays.

Me: (Wat the...) Yeah. But tis is only for the cumin' week.

EIN: How 'bout the rest of the weeks?

Me: (Sigh..) Tis is only for the cumin' week.

EIN: Dun get confused now.
The rest of the weeks leh?

Me: (Haiyah! Shit ah! Dun understand is it? Who's the confused one!)
I'm actually havin' exams tis cumin' week,
so the schedule won't be similar nxt week.

EIN: Oh, we need sumbdy who have stable schedule u noe.
I dun want to employ staffs who keep changin' their werkin' hours.
Wen can u double confirm ur timetable?

Me: (Giordano even not lyke tis!) Erm... Monday?

EIN: Yeah ok. Bye.

Me: (Shit ah!) Bye.


Tis is how the conversation goes. Probably.
I can't rmmbr well. The conversatn made a deep impact at me.
I was saddenned by it. Lucky Jannah was online.
So, I confide in her.... Thx Jannah.
I'm sorry to burden/trouble u wit all my endless ramblings.
I hate my lyfe. Can I go away? :'(
Everyday I tot of dyin'...
No, I can't. It's wrong in Islam.
I dun wanna carry a heavy sin on me.
Tis is juz complications tat GOD had tested on me.
One after another...

Yesterday, 17/March- Went out wit Siti to Town. She's so diff. Vast change.
From bad to worse. Really a minah now tho she neva accept the fact. Sorry, it's the fact I'm statin' here. Well, it's ur lyfe. Bein' ur good fren(am I still?), I can only advice u.
It's ur lyfe, ur sins. Seriously, it's lyke as if I juz knew u.
So difficult for me to confide my probs in u.
I tot wen I met u yesterdae, I cud pour all my probs out. My tots are of waste.
However, I'm so happy to meet u after such a long tyme. Miss u my dear fren...

Yeah, we went to play pool. Fun. She paid for it all- Thx Siti.
I sound so PATHETIC! I HATE ME! ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Why do pple have to pay for my expenses? Why!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! :'(
*FYI, I'm cryin' now...............................................................................................................*
HATE IT SO!
Thx Siti... Thank u...... Tho u've changed, u still managed to make me smyle.
Puhleeze... promise me, if I go 1st, u'll stop drinkin' & smokin' k?
Promise me u'll change the way u live now. Ur lyfe I mean... Sorry for bein' naggy.
I care 4 u, u noe. Tin' bout how/wat ur parents had to go thru to brin' u up. Still rmmbr the tyme went ur mum was in hospital? ARGH!!!!!!!!! 4get the past.
Useless. Juz hurts me more.

After a fun, interestin' game playin' pool, mum wanted to meet me at Eunos.
Gonna go Expo. There's a $5 facial treatment by CNI.
Mum knew one of the pple werkin' there.
Her long, lost pal frm 6 yr ol'. Noe wat?
Her pal gonna be a million-dollar lady next yr due to CNI company!
So good.............................

I was pampered. Really pampered. She massaged & cleanse my face.
I felt relieved from all the stress out there. At least for a few minutes tho...
Nice experience. I recommend all u pple out there to go too! =)

Today went out wit Jannah. Only two of us. Went to Bugis 1st to browse ard.
Den we saw these shawls & Jannah purchased 2. 1 for me, & 1 for her.
I'm so touched by wat she did. Words can't describe her kindness.
I dunno how I'm gonna repay her back. I dun have the cash.
I juz cud pray for GOD to bless u.... Thx Jannah dear.
I'll pay u back wen I got the money k.

We tried puttin' the shawls on us, in Bugis's toilet.
(Searched high & low for the toilet. =P)
There's many pple in there. So paiseh, but wat the heck.
Juz wear ah... Pple see so wat?

Den, we went to Tamp. There's tis 2 cute little boys,
bringin' plastics of 'kerepeks' ard, askin' for donation.
I can't help feelin' sorry for 'em. I dun have the money.
Lucky got Jannah, she donated. She too sympathises 'em.
10 bucks for 3 packets of 'kerepeks'. Noe wat?
They run here & there, tryin' hard to ask pple to donate but there was lyke NONE of 'em.
Selfish Tampinesians! Sorry to all out there. Jannah, I'll pay u back k. I can't help bein' 'terhutang budi'. Oh yeah I asked 'em to go to Eunos. Better pple there.

Walked ard Tamp... Went to This Fashion & tried on sum outfits. I'm useless ain't I?
Juz afford to dream but can't afford to make my dreams happen...
ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I juz wanna escape frm tis torturin' world!!!!!!!!!

Ya Allah, tolonglah hambamu ini...

Wait, got sumtin' to show u pple.
Princess Sya's property
Tis lil gurl is Jannah.
The pic below: Jannah on the rite & her sis left.

Princess Sya's property

To Jannah: Ur secrets save wit me. Dun worry k.
I hope we can be much, much more closer together- sharin' secrets, joys & sorrows..
shoulder to cry on... U r a wonderful buddy, always there wen I need sumbdy.
Thx 4 all tat u did for me. I hope I can repay u back. Thx alot.
Pls dun associate me wit tat person anymore. ='(

To Nisa: I regard u as my elder sis. Thx 4 carin' for me.
I'm sorry if ever I hurt ur feelins. I'm juz not ready to confide in u.
I noe, u r really a great fren, one tat I can rely on wen I am down.
Out of the three, I noe u r the one who understands me the most.
I feel tat it's hard to confide in u. I will, wen I'm ready & wen we r much more closer.

To Nurul: Do u realised we have drifted apart? It's because u sort of left us.
I changed attitude towards u coz ur attitude towards me weren't tat gud.
Ponder urself wat I mean by tat. Usually, wen pple are gud to me, I'll be gud to 'em.
Meanies received bad attitudes frm me. Not tat u r mean lah, I noe u have a great heart.
U care for others too. It's juz tat, sumtymes, u r bein' too self-centred. Watch ur tongue an actions gurl. Coz sum1 may get hurt by it soon. Oh ya, get a lyfe, be urself. I miss my dear Nurul. The bubbly one who cares 'bout others.

To everybody tat I noe: Dearest frens, thx for everytin'....
Wanna ask u a Qs: If I had 1 day to live, wat wud u do?

with love, syahida at 3/18/2005 08:10:00 PM

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